We have, all three of us, decided to call you Elena!

We met at the agency today to sign a piece of paperwork called an “Openness Agreement.” It basically says how your three mommies plan to build a family together that you can count on, one that will love and support you no matter what. This paper was just for the agency and the lawyers, but it was like a small step toward the covenant we are writing.

Why a covenant? Well, a covenant is a sacred agreement, like the rainbow that God showed to the people on the ark, promising to keep the Earth safe. A covenant is a promise that you keep with your whole heart. Your Mutti and Mama covenant to claim and love and raise you while nurturing a close relationship with your Tummy Mommy and her family. And your Tummy Mommy and her family covenant to entrust your Mutti and Mama to care for you. That is such a big thing. So this was just one little step but it felt like a HUGE HUGE thing and made Mutti cry a bunch in the car afterwards.

Your Tummy Mommy is so amazing. She told us she had begun calling you Elena and that’s when Mutti’s heart leaped and she thought your name was really true and right. We three mommies talked about names at the Chinese Garden several weeks ago. We thought of Brielle, Maya, Mia, Liesel and Ellie. Then Mutti and Mama talked at home and thought of Spanish names to honor the stories of your great-grandfather who worked his way from Mexico to Sacramento during the 30s and 40s. Mama said “what about Elena?” and Mutti’s heart did a little whirl of happiness and she said YES! So we asked Tummy Mommy and she liked it, too, and thought “Elena” is unique but not so unique that everyone at school will mispronounce it.

Then there’s this Elena in the movies who is very good with a sword.

I hope you like your name, that it suits you. You can be Ellie or Elle or Lea or Lena. Really, you can be whoever you like, squeak, and we will love you completely.

The time is getting short and we can’t wait to meet you. Stay safe, little Elena, and dream big dreams.

So much love,
your Mutti

We’ve been having the best meetings and email messages with the best Tummy Mommy in the whole world. I am starting to get very excited about the idea that you are here, just waiting to be born.

Your Mama and I have been working on figuring out two very important things: food and poop. Yesterday I met the nicest lesbian couple who talked to me for a surprisingly long time about cloth pocket diapers. It seems everyone has an opinion and many mommies are extroverts. You have two introverted mommies (and I think an intoverted tummy mommy, too)…I hope that suits you, since I think you are going to be a Leo (RAWR) and Leos are not exactly known for being shy.

While it has been super exciting to get ready to welcome you into the world, it has been overwhelming, too. All this waiting and hoping. And now more waiting and planning. We want so much to know that you are ours, that we really really do get to be your mommies.

Mutti’s friends, especially Auntie Mellie and Auntie Tara, have been helping out a lot. Because while food and poop are super high on the list (as I’m sure you’ll agree), vulnerability is also important.

Last night while she was not working on the paper she was supposed to be writing because she was having emotions, Mutti saw the best TED talk. Brene Brown said that whole-hearted people believe that what makes them vulnerable makes them beautiful. (See below – the good stuff starts at 7:46).

That seems so true of babies, don’t you think? All that needing food and having poop is what will enable you and I become quick friends. I will be right there for you in those vulnerable places. You can count on me.

And I am vulnerable, too. Now for a mommy to be vulnerable might seem like a bad idea, like weakness or irresponsibility.

But here’s the thing, bug: we are, all of us who love you, very vulnerable. Mama is vulnerable because she knows how much it hurts to leave the hospital with her arms empty and her breasts full. Your Tummy Mommy is vulnerable because she has to make a huge decision that will affect the rest of your life and no one but her can make it. And your Mutti is vulnerable because she is changing her life to be able and present to parent you, not knowing if she will get the chance.

We are, all of us, so vulnerable because we care so deeply and love so much. While that is risky, it is also right. Loving this way is to open our whole hearts to joy, to be a wide meadow of wildflowers in the summer breeze. While I don’t know what will happen, I do know that this is how I want to live. I want to be all in, holding nothing back.

I’m all in, bug…for you. For me. For all of us who love you.

In wide wide wildflower love,
Mutti

We met the most amazing tummy mommy yesterday. We share a lot of the same values…spirituality and respect for all paths, family time as freedom from consumer culture, a love of food and wine and a vibrant, full-lived life. She blew us away with her candor, her love for the daughter she is carrying, and her willingness to connect with us.

This adoption journey sure is a crazy crazy ride, bug. Last night as we left the agency, your mommy Sadie said to me: you know, we might have just met our baby. Was that your tummy mommy, squeak? She is so awesome! Were you there, listening to us as we talked and laughed and grew quiet, feeling it out, waiting to see?

Yesterday morning I was so nervous before the meeting I couldn’t sit still. I paced so much I drove the Paw a little crazy. Then I sat and wrote, because writing is my mooring, my slip knot rope back to land and sanity. I wrote: “I am holding my breath. I have no intuition, no insight into what happens next…all I have is my nervousness, excitement and tender heart that hopes… and hopes… and hopes.”

I want to be brave. I want to hold my resilient heart out to this tummy mommy no matter what happens. Sometimes these little fears come like dark-winged birds and roost on my shoulders. It is scary to have so much hope. But I want to be brave.

Wherever you are, bug, I am being brave and waiting for you. My heart is full and my arms are open.

Even more love than ever before,

Mutti

I have been thinking about so much lately and hoping you are safe. A few nights ago, Mutti had a bad dream. I didn’t want to write about it, because I want my letters to you to be only full of good things. But sometimes nightmares do happen. In Mutti’s dream she was running and running to try and find you, but she kept getting lost. You were calling and calling. *shiver* It was a scary dream.

Sometimes it feels like we are so far apart, we might never find our way to each other. Feeling discouraged when something is taking a super long time is normal though. Your Mutti is a regular person like everyone else. I want MY WAY! Right now I really really really REALLY want to meet you.

Guess what? Lately we’ve had lightning and thunderstorms! They are unusual for us here in Oregon. Mama loves them because they remind her of Kentucky.

Last night we sat in the living room and watched the sky turn a funny shade of not-quite-orange.

pdx photo by http://www.flickr.com/people/mathowie/

Outside the lightning flashed and the thunder boomed.

Mama laughed. Mutti jumped. Paw ran and hid where it was safe. Mama held Mutti’s hand for a while. When the thunder stopped, Paw came out and mommies snuggled.

When the world outside is scary, when nightmares come, when we feel discouraged, it is so good to have someone to snuggle with.

I don’t know WHY is taking so long for us to find each other, but I am right here, waiting.

I promise you comfort after nightmares, cuddles during storms, and cheering up when you feel discouraged.

Love always and always and always,
Mutti

Lately it feels like you are almost on your way to us. It is springtime and the big dogwood tree in our front yard is almost done blooming.

Our Dogwood Tree

Cool grass on Mutti's toes

The grass underneath the tree is cool on my bare feet. I hope you’ll like it. I think we are going to have picnics under that tree. It has a nice low branch that is just perfect for climbing.

When I was a little girl there was a magnolia tree in my front yard that I loved to climb. I’ll see if I can get Oma to send us a picture.

I can’t wait for you to meet everyone. The world is such a big big place! It might seem a little overwhelming at first, but don’t worry, I’ve got you by the hand. We will be just fine.

Love always,
Mutti

Tonight is another night that your Mutti is not sleeping. She is up thinking about you.

There is a supermoon tonight.

It reminds me of a poem. This poem was written by Izumi Shikibu, a Japanese woman who lived a long, long time ago.

Although the wind
blows terribly here,
the moonlight also leaks
between the roof planks
of this ruined house.

It is a melancholy kind of poem that makes a sad heart feel better. I wonder if you’ll know what I mean, if I will be able to share poetry with you. Poetry is so big.

But love is bigger. The love I feel when I think of you is so big my heart can’t contain it. I have to love you with my belly and my arms and my toes and my fingertips and my nose just to keep it all in. I’m wriggling my nose at you right now, cuddlebug.

I hope you sleep well tonight. See you soon.

Your-not-quite-almost-there-but-always-loving,
Mutti